My week isn’t complete unless I go through at least two existential crises. This an especially stressful week that has got me thinking about my life and who I am.
I’ve always felt different, like I was born in the wrong time period, or maybe even on the wrong planet. I just don’t “fit” anywhere or with anyone. You’d likely never realize this if you spent any amount of time with me, but it’s true.
As a kid I was more mentally mature than the other kids. I was conscious of things going on around me. I had read books and seen movies, like Rats and Bullies, about kids that didn’t fit in and had a hard time. I knew that I had to adapt to my surroundings, so I did. I observed the people around me. I listened to how they talked and how they acted. I copied every single one of their idiosyncrasies. I took extensive mental notes on who was “cool” and who to steer clear from. I studied what they wore and slowly I began to disguise myself. I remember in the fifth grade, a new girl had transferred to my elementary school. You could tell right away that she was different. She didn’t talk the talk or walk the walk. It was like watching wild animals interact. The bigger, tougher animals see the smaller, weaker animal and they attack. Survival of the fittest. Just about every kid in the class was mean to her. They picked her apart until there was nothing left, psychologically and emotionally. Including me. I did it to fit in. I did it to save my own skin and keep my con going. Eventually, we solved our differences and became good friends, but the con carried on.
I continued this charade all through middle school. I learned that everyone seemed to like the funny kid. I watched funny TV shows like Comedy Central and listened to what they were talking about and how they said it. I started cracking jokes and saying things so people would laugh and like me and not see me for the fraud that I am. In high school I had loosely affirmed my place in the social food chain by being the funny kid who makes sarcastic comments. This became me. This is how I created me. I don’t know how to talk without being sarcastic. I try to give compliments and people think I’m insulting them half the time, but they laugh because they think I’m trying to be funny. People laugh all the time, even when I say something serious. They expect me to be funny constantly. I don’t mind it though, I have friends and family that love me.
Yet, despite all the work I’ve done, there are still moments where the feeling of not belonging anywhere or with anyone is all consuming. It happens randomly, usually when I’m in a group of people, whether friends or family, who are having a good time. There will be a conversation and laughter, and I may even be enjoying myself… until all of a sudden I’m not, because I’m acutely aware of the truth: I don’t fit here.
